copyright 2013 by Jane Reinheimer

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Some of these little tidbits have gone all the way to Jupiter and back again. But just in case you haven't read them, here they are. Enjoy life -- laugh a lot!

This is funny! Obama at bat; Palin pitching.  http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/obama_at_bat.html

Click on this link: http://www.freekibble.com/default.asp to play a one-question multiple choice question about animals and hungry doggies and cats will get some free food. Thanks to my niece Karen to sending the link to me. Because of this game, so far there have been 55 million pieces of food won.

This is a video link to comedian Steve Bridges portraying President Obama. Bridges had done Obama impersonations on the Jay Leno show, I believe.
http://www.stevebridges.com/obamavideos-promo-Aug-2011.html

Do you love to watch the Old Spice commercials as much as I do? Well, here's a recent one that's really entertaining: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLTIowBF0kE

Quote for the Day: Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna -- or if can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out. -- Barbara Walters

I got this from my friend Bill in Paducah. Perhaps you've seen it, or something like it. But it's a light funny way to end the week.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of "why" our country may be in trouble.

1. I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas congressman's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the flight and passport information, and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa."

His response? Click.

3. A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"

He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I thing that's very rude."

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is FAT for Fresno Air Terminal, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman congressman from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to gt on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A senator from California called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant that she was flying to Pensacola on a commuter plane."

She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty."

11. A Louisiana senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double-checked and sure enough, stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A New Jersey congressman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

The reply? "Whatever. I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the government is in the shape that it's in.


And these adorable retorts from youngsters that will make you smile, thanks to Antoinette, also from Paducah.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor.
John: You told me to use it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it was H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Miller: I is ...
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
Millie: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still have the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir. I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No. It's the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher?

KIDS ARE QUICK -- Thank you, Rick, from Tinley Park

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria?

Teacher: John, why are you doing your multiplication tables on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Glenn: k-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten
years ago.
Winnie: Me!

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I"
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie, always say "I am."
Millie: All right, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No. It's the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher?

Doctors Explain the Bailout Package -- thank you, Alice

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Radiologists cold see right through it, and the
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
the Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologist thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the
Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

 

DOG'S PROPERTY LAWS -- from Amy, San Antonio, Texas

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If I saw it first, it's mine.
3. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
4. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
5. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
6. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
7. If you have something and put it down, it's mine.
8. If I chew something up, all of the pieces are mine.
9. If it used to be yours, get over it.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

ALL ABOARD -- from Mark S., Chicago

With his request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield,he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm the pilot," he responded, "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is you're NOT my flight instructor?"

 

RETIREMENT -- AIN'T IT WONDERFUL? -- from Rick F. in Tinley Park

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where --

1. you are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade
2. you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl
3. you can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town
4. you have over 100 recipes for Mexican food
5. you know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door
6. the four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!

You can live in California where --

1. you make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house
2. the fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. you know how to eat an artichoke
4. you drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party
5. when someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how miles it is
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can live in New York City where --

1. you say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. you can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but you can't find Wisconsin on a map
3. you think Central Park is "nature"
4. you believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual
5. you've worn out a car horn
6. you think eye contact is an act of aggression

You can live in Maine where --

1. you only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas
3. you have more than one recipe for moose
4. sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons
5. the four seasons are: winter, still winter, tourist, and almost winter

You can live in the Deep South where

1. you can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense
4. everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado where --

1. you carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car
2. you tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center
3. a pass does not involve a football or dating
4. the top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

You live in the Midwest where --

1. you've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name
2. your idea of a traffic jam in ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. you have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day
4. you end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. when asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."

and You live in Florida where --

1. you eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon
2. all purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars
3. everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist
4. road construction never ends anywhere in the state
5. cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

 

ELDERLY LADIES -- from Alice S. (Chesapeake, Va) and Mark S. (Chicago, IL)

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car putting along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front and three in the back -- wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 127.

 

Never let it be said that any Stubbe -- and there are a bunch of you out there who have GGGGrandpa Leopold Stubbe's blood in you -- doesn't have a sense of humor. This funny stuff was sent to me by both cousins Mark and Alice:

It's about UPS Airlines.

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely on our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are soem actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. And never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor either.

Oh, and by the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right man landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one.)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last--

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Love life -- laugh a lot. Your mental health will jump for joy.

##

From my cousin-in-law -- is that what you say to someone who's married to my cousin? Nah -- who cares? She's my cousin, Alice Stubbe -- married to my cousin Al.

She sends us this wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (That's true.)
19. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

##

From my cousin Mark Stubbe. I did not know what day of the week I was born on until Mark sent me this chart. Do you know what day of the week you were born on?
         
CLICK ON THE YEAR YOU WERE BORN, AND READ THE NEWS FOR THAT YEAR.      

> 1900_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1900.html )
> 1901_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1901.html )
> 1902_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1902.html )
> 1903_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1903.html )
> 1904_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1904.html )
> 1905_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1905.html )
> 1906_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1906.html )
> 1907_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1907.html
> 1908_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1908.html )
> 1909_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1909.html )
> 1910_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1910.html )
> 1911_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1911.html )
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> 1918_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1918.html )
> 1919_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1919.html )
> 1920_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1920.html )
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> 1941_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1941.html )
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> 1951_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1951.html )
> 1952_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1952.html )
> 1953_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1953.html )
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> 1976_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1976.html )
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> 1986_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1986.html )
> 1987_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1987.html )
> 1988_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1988.html )
> 1989_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1989.html )
> 1990_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1990.html )
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> 2003_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/2003.html )
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> 2005_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2005.html )
> 2006_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2006.html )
>   2007_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2007.html )

 

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